Sunday, October 25, 2009
Something absolutely amazing has happened today. My husband took my son golfing today. He actually asked him to join him. They have not played golf together for a very long time and if they did it was because I was playing too and asked Ryan to come along.
When Ryan was 15 or so, Jerry was disciplining him about keeping his room clean. Jerry was very angry, which is very unusual for him. He would never physically harm Ryan, but he was very upset. I think that he had just had enough and let it all out. I stepped in the middle of it. Jerry has totally distanced himself from Ryan since that moment. They do not talk, even in passing. When we have family gatherings it is very uncomfortable. They are civil to one another; they just do not initiate conversation, or do father son things. I know this sounds hard to believe but it’s true, they live in the same house and don’t talk to each other. Ryan has a room in the downstairs, he does not come out when he knows Jerry is home. For a mother to watch this is very heartbreaking.
I have tried to overcompensate for Jerry not having an interest in Ryan’s life, so has his siblings. We all baby him.
It has been very difficult for me. I have struggled with this for a long time. I have largely tried ignoring it. The last few years I have been trying to decide it I wanted to stay married to someone that didn’t want anything to do with my son. We are not close like we use to be, we are more like just roommates or friends right now. I still love him I think, and he still loves me I think.
Jerry is really a great guy, other than his relationship with Ryan, and his drinking. When he drinks he just drinks, he is never abusive, never drunk he just drinks. He helps out around the house, cleaning, do laundry, dishes, does all the yard work. Whatever needs done he will do it, except cooking. He won’t cook.
We really never fight. We have discussions but neither of us raises their voice. We have talked about why he feels this way. He says that the day this happened with Ryan, he was very angry and he has never felt that angry before. He decided at that point he never wanted to feel that way again, so he just stepped back so he would never have to be in the position where he could feel that way again.
He has been totally frustrated with Ryan, the fact that he still lives at home, has no sense of responsibility, his lies, his stealing from us. I understand all of this, I really do. But Ryan needs a father too. The only father he has ever known stepped out of his life when he was 15.
I started praying, the last two nights. One of the things I prayed for was Ryan and Jerry to mend their relationship. This is totally amazing to me.
P –tired, recovering from a migraine yesterday
E – excited
M – enthusiastic