Absolutely amazing!!!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Something absolutely amazing has happened today. My husband took my son golfing today. He actually asked him to join him. They have not played golf together for a very long time and if they did it was because I was playing too and asked Ryan to come along.

When Ryan was 15 or so, Jerry was disciplining him about keeping his room clean. Jerry was very angry, which is very unusual for him. He would never physically harm Ryan, but he was very upset. I think that he had just had enough and let it all out. I stepped in the middle of it. Jerry has totally distanced himself from Ryan since that moment. They do not talk, even in passing. When we have family gatherings it is very uncomfortable. They are civil to one another; they just do not initiate conversation, or do father son things. I know this sounds hard to believe but it’s true, they live in the same house and don’t talk to each other. Ryan has a room in the downstairs, he does not come out when he knows Jerry is home. For a mother to watch this is very heartbreaking.
I have tried to overcompensate for Jerry not having an interest in Ryan’s life, so has his siblings. We all baby him.

It has been very difficult for me. I have struggled with this for a long time. I have largely tried ignoring it. The last few years I have been trying to decide it I wanted to stay married to someone that didn’t want anything to do with my son. We are not close like we use to be, we are more like just roommates or friends right now. I still love him I think, and he still loves me I think.

Jerry is really a great guy, other than his relationship with Ryan, and his drinking. When he drinks he just drinks, he is never abusive, never drunk he just drinks. He helps out around the house, cleaning, do laundry, dishes, does all the yard work. Whatever needs done he will do it, except cooking. He won’t cook.

We really never fight. We have discussions but neither of us raises their voice. We have talked about why he feels this way. He says that the day this happened with Ryan, he was very angry and he has never felt that angry before. He decided at that point he never wanted to feel that way again, so he just stepped back so he would never have to be in the position where he could feel that way again.

He has been totally frustrated with Ryan, the fact that he still lives at home, has no sense of responsibility, his lies, his stealing from us. I understand all of this, I really do. But Ryan needs a father too. The only father he has ever known stepped out of his life when he was 15.
I started praying, the last two nights. One of the things I prayed for was Ryan and Jerry to mend their relationship. This is totally amazing to me.
P –tired, recovering from a migraine yesterday
E – excited
M – enthusiastic
S –hopeful


Sherry October 25, 2009 at 3:28 PM  

That is wonderful! Hopefully, they can have a better relationship. I've had some of the same issues with my son and my husband (his step-father) and also my son's father.

I have over compensated in the past because of this and believe that is partly why the enabling behavior worsens. It has been the same pattern with my mother and her son (my brother, who is an alcoholic). I came to realize that I can't control each person's individual relationship with each other and do my best to let them be.

Prayer really works!!

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story October 25, 2009 at 3:35 PM  

What a wonderful praise! It's amazing when prayers are answered, isn't it?

So, this is your son's stepdad? Ah, I recall the feeling of being caught in the middle of the two men that you love. When my son was 10, I was with a man who put me in the middle. I chose my son, because he was 10 years old.

Your son is a grownup, as is mine. Now, you need to think differently-- your son is an adult and your have a husband. I choose my husband/marriage, now. My son is old enough to be on his own.

What concerns me is your husband's drinking. I say this with no malice-- but is he an alcoholic? I was once married to an alcoholic. It lasted two years. I ended the marriage-- he was the one who turned on my son and behaved like what you described.

I'm not saying to leave your husband! Just wondering if you are dealing with two addicts under the same roof. That's a huge burden for you.

I was without the internet for 24 hours, so I'll answer your email late. For the record, it's perfectly okay that you mentioned my blog on yours. I'm honored.


Mom of Opiate Addict October 25, 2009 at 11:15 PM  

My husband is my son's step-dad. He was very supportive in the beginning of my son's addiction issues. After awhile, me being so co-dependent and things becoming more heated, he kind of check out emotionally as well when it came to my son. Once I sought help through a counselor and Al-Anon, I opened up about things and became more honest with my son, myself and my husband. This helped me not rescue my son when my husband became frustrated, we would just sit down and get it out in the open. It sounds like your husband is more willing to try and connect a bit with your son and make some positive steps forward. Stay strong.

DreamDancer October 26, 2009 at 5:29 AM  

Your story sounds so much like mine. I understand the frustration of trying to cope with your son's addiction. I pray that all works out for the good of your family. God bless.

Cheri October 26, 2009 at 11:11 AM  

Dear Lynn,

Blended families can be so tough. In mine, I am the step-parent. Both my stepson and my son used drugs, so I guess that sort of eliminated any "blame" issues between hubby and me.

Anyhow, I rejoice with you in answered prayer, and we (my hubby Wayne and I) continue to pray for you and Jerry and Ryan.


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