Scared and Optimistic

October 22, 2009

When Ryan was in his 45 day Rehab treatment, they had a Family process weekend. The families of the clients of the facility were asked to come over for 3 days. It was a time for the families and the addicts to get everything out in the open. I was very hopeful that my husband would attend these sessions. It is a 4 hour drive away. That would mean leaving on a Friday night and coming home on Monday night. Jerry went but it was a struggle. He was definitely not happy about going. He did not want to go.
When I asked him why, he said "I don't know why I should go; it is just a waste of 3 days of my life".
I am still struggling to decide if I want to stay married. I have decided to put that on the back burner until I get Ryan out on his own and out of my house. I think it is too overwhelming for me to tackle both problems at once.

Jerry was laid off of his job in May. He just started another job two weeks ago. He had been at basically the same job for 30 years. He had a very good income and we were pretty comfortable financially. On this new job he is only making about 2/3rds of what he made before. The layoff was a big surprise. He really didn't think he would have a problem getting another job. He is very good and experienced at what he does. He was getting very nervous about it, so was I. We had enough money set aside to get us through a couple of years but we would have to cut back. When he got laid off, I sat down with Ryan and explained to him the situation. Ryan would have to start paying his own way. Not that I haven't said this umteen million tims. Pay rent, his hospital bill, his health insurance, his cell phone bill, his alcohol classes. Those were all the things I was currently paying for him.
I never saw a dime from him. I know I am codependent but I cannot comprehend why he would not even help out. I know part of it is because I let him get by with it but it boggles my mind as to why he is the way he is. Wouldn't most people dig in and do the best they could. He spent what little money he had on clothes, golf and alcohol.
I don't think he was drinking heavily, he was just drinking.


He is a scratch golfer and probably could have gone along way if he just would have applied himself. In high school from week to week he was either the top golfer or in the top three. He started playing when he was 5 and has won many tournaments along the way.
He had no plans after he got out of school. He wanted to follow his girlfriend to Kentucky to go to school. That is clear across the country.
I ended up letting him go. He was able to get redshirted on the golf team and was doing really well there.
He has always struggled in school academically. He was in special education all the way thru school. Usually kids that are in special education are not very popular kids. Ryan was very popular in school. He was accepted by his peers and very well liked. He lasted a semester in college. He couldn't do the academics. There was assistance there for him but he would not ask for it. All he had to do was ask. It cost me a quite a bit of money for this failure.

The family process we went thru at the Rehab facility was very difficult emotionally, but it also left me feeling very optimistic. I felt Ryan had the alcohol problem beat. I have been wrong about this many times. I guess I shouldn’t think he has it beat. I feel optimistic that he does. I was optimistic he would come home and be a productive happy person. He would be able to get on with his life. He and his Dad would work out there problems and our lives would be beautiful, happy and perfect again.

During the process everyday they would ask us for our PEMS
How we felt Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, and Spiritually.
My first day was P-overweight and tired, E - scared, drained and hurt, M- checked out, and S - not connected. Last day P- still overweight but not tired, E optimistic, M stable, S- open minded.
Jerry said he was glad he went. We got everything out in the open. He said he would support Ryan when he got home; Ryan had to prove to him that he was willing to get his life back together.

We are now in day 10 of Ryan coming back home. It feels to me that things have not changed. Ryan is still not responsible, still has this inertia. He spends all day in his room. Before he went to treatment, he spent all day on the golf course or in his room. He was able to golf for free most of the time because he had a lot of friends that worked at the golf course. He hasn't even said anything about golfing. He is doing some running, that is a good thing. I hope he is not drinking.
He would not have gone to the counseling, gotten his ID, gone to his alcohol classes if I hadn't called around, pushed him and driven him.
I totally don't understand this behavior. He is making me crazy. No I am making myself crazy.
He says he has a job at a deli that he will start next week, that’s a big surprise. I guess I will just have to wait and see if he does.

P - tired
E - sad
M - confused
S - I don’t know - I am going to start working on this

Where is my beautiful, happy, perfect family?