Where did my sweet innocent baby boy go?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Where did my sweet, innocent baby boy go?

How did Ryan's drinking problem start?
I think it was a gradual thing, and then just got worse over time.

Ryan has very little self esteem. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that he has trouble processing information. He is a quick learner if it is hands on and you don't go to fast. When he is working he does a very good job. He works hard, is pretty dependable for an alcoholic.

He has always been teased by his older siblings. Not really mean just typical sibling stuff. Ryan didn't feel good about it.

He has a wonderful girlfriend; she is a very good sweet girl. They have been together for seven months. She does not drink. Jessica is 19 and she is enrolled in college, very smart girl. She is very supportive of Ryan. She has told him that she will leave him if he drinks again. I really am not sure how he gets these awesome girlfriends. He is great to be around but don't they see that he has a drinking problem, has no job, he has no money. When he does have a job its part time. When he does have money he blows it. If she were my daughter I would not want her with him. As his mother I am extremely grateful he has her.

Ryan and his oldest sister are very close. She is 11 years older than he is. I was a single mom. Ryan and Tina have different fathers. I got together with Ryan’s father when Tina was 8. He left me 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. Another story for another day.
Anyway Tina was a big help when Ryan was a baby. Jerry and I got married when Ryan was 4. He is the only Dad that my kids know.

When Tina was a sophomore in high school she started dating a guy. They are still together 16 years now. Wow, that just hit me; it’s been a long time. They are wonderful parents to Masen, their 3 year old. We were pretty shocked when we found out she is having twins. She is nervous but excited.
When they were younger Matt, drank a lot. I am not really sure how much a lot is. I have always been around alcohol. My mother was an alcoholic. Ryan's father was an alcoholic and Jerry is too. How much is a lot? Is it typical high school stuff?

Ryan was around Tasha and Matt a lot of the time. Matt's parents are alcoholics. They drink to get drunk, they get drunk daily. Matt was free to drink in their household as long as I can remember. I remember going over to his parent’s house for a football game when Tina and Matt were 16. Matt and all his friends were drinking. Kind of shocked me.
Tina and Matt will not allow Masen to be with his grandparents unless one of them is with him. He is not allowed to spend the night with them.

I believe that when Ryan was around 16 or so Matt allowed him to drink. I found this out and told them all Ryan was not allowed to drink with them. Tina doesn't drink much, once in a great while, and definitely not while she is pregnant.

I think Ryan just started drinking and has not quit and it has gotten worse.
When he came back from Kentucky, his girlfriend Sandra broke up with him.
She loved him very much and was very good for him. She finally had enough of his lying and drinking. He lied to her too, all the time.
When he talks, he says things just because he thinks it what it’s what you want to hear. The breakup was very difficult for Ryan, I think this is when started drinking more. I have never seen him drunk, or for that matter I rarely saw him when I thought he had been drinking.

While he was going through this my dad was having a rough time. The Alzheimers disease was getting worse. I could not find a facility that would take him. He kept getting "kicked" out because he became violent. At one point I got one of our state representatives to help me. He contacted the head of the state health dept for me. This is another one of those stories for another day. I just wanted to point out where I was at this point.

This was 3 years ago.

When we went over for Ryan's family process week at the rehab facility, they had some workshops that showed us how alcoholism is a disease. Everybody always asks why Ryan just doesn't stop drinking if it is going to kill him. He has a disease. One of the examples they gave was it is like telling someone with a cold to stop coughing. He needs help to stop drinking. His mind and body are telling him different things. I just don't understand where this inertia is coming from. I thought he would be excited to be home.
Well he was excited to be home. I just thought he would be excited to start living a new life, not go back to the same old one, (hopefully he isnt drinking). The sitting around in your room all day long, not doing anything but listening to music, playing video games or watching TV.

The pancreatitis is really bad. The human body can't live without it and its one of the organs that doesn't just get replaced, like a kidney or liver. If the pancreatitis doesn't kill him, there will be other complications from it that will. If he doesn't drink the pancreatitis does not cause him any pain. It hurts me just thinking about when he was in the hospital in so much pain. I still can't imagine him drinking as much as they say he had too to cause pancreatitis. At first the doctor and counselor thought that he was just unlucky. Until he ended up in the hospital again, and again, and again.

I love my son very much. I am learning about codependency and enabling.
I just hope I can learn how to enforce it.

Where did my sweet innocent baby boy go?


Cheri October 22, 2009 at 3:36 PM  

He's still there, inside the confused and hurting young man. Keep praying for him.

Barbara(aka Layla) October 22, 2009 at 9:30 PM  

I agree with what Cheri said and have asked the same thing about my son. Its very painful to watch but there is always hope, lots of success stories in overcoming alcoholism.

Midnitefyrfly October 24, 2009 at 9:43 AM  

Hi Lynn. I will be thinking of you and praying for you both. My husband and children's father died from pancreatitis at the age of 27- that was 7 years ago.

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