I found my beautiful, happy, perfect

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I have learned alot thru reading blogs and books.
I have come to believe in my HigherPower. That in itself is a miracle to me. I have come to peace with myself and my HigherPower.
One of the things I have prayed about was for me to get better. I was in a pretty dark place for a long time.
I am excited about life again, excited about my family. I am getting out and doing things. This all came about after I started believing in my HigherPower, after praying.

I still have a ways to go, but I feel my beautiful, happy, perfect family was there the whole time. I just had to find myself again. We may not be perfect in some peoples eyes. We are perfect for ourselves.

Ryan has been sober for 2 and 1/2 months now. He has been home a month now.

He is working, although it is just parttime.

Jerry is actually helping Ryan by showing him how to look on our local job search for help wanted ads and how to apply for them.
Ryan really likes his new job and is doing really well at it.

I am still driving him to work. He should get his drivers license back this week. Yes I know I am enabling.
But I am doing what I think is best. He is sober, he is working.
He is feeling confident and actually good about himself. He is excited about getting on with his life.
The only time he has asked me for money is for a movie once and a loan of $95 to get his drivers license reinstated.
We also bought a car for him.

We do have a contract with him.

This is what is expected of him
Makes his car payments to us.
Pays for his insurance, gas and repairs.
He will not recieve any money from me for anything.
He will get another full time or part time job.
We will discuss time frame for him moving out. (It is something I want to happen ASAP)
He agrees to the fact this is his last chance.

If he cannot meet the conditions of the contract the car will be taken away from him. We paid $2700 for it.

He will get on his feet soon and be out of my house. I will not do this again.
He is feeling really good, I know most people will say I am enabling.
I think I am a Mom, proud that her son is sober. Willing to give him this last chance. I am willing to help he get a new start. What happens if this fails? He will probably die if he drinks again. If he stays sober he will live and find a way.
I pray that this lasts, I pray that every family of addicts can find what I have. I pray for Debby and B everyday.


I'm here

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I am feeling better about myself.

I have been getting some exercise in. I colored and cut my hair, I put on makeup this morning. I bought a braclet that has symbols for the serenity prayer. It is helping me alot. I touch it very often and I pray. I have started reading, listening to music, praying, and meditating. I also have a project to keep me busy. I am researching my family genealogy. It has been awhile since I was excited about a project.

I think I have become complacent about Ryan. I really don't know. Maybe he has his addiction kicked this time. Either he does or he will end up back in the hospital for pancreatitis.

He is seeing a counslor twice a week. I am almost sure he is not drinking. He started work this week, he is cooking at a deli. Jerry and him are actually starting to communicate. He is running with the dog, he says he is calling his sponsor that he had when he was in rehab. The only thing is he is not going to AA nor does he have a sponsor here. He works at night, as soon as he gets a car (hopefully this week) he is going to find a day job too. He still stays up half the night and sleeps in the morning. I have a hard time deciding if this is still not a good thing. I am a night person and stay up late and would sleep all morning if I could. So I understand where he gets it from.

Ryan is a good cook, he has started cooking us dinner a couple of times a week. Last night we had something he called Chicken, Asparus Linguini. He made it up. It was really really good.
I don't like to cook but I do prepare dinner every night. When I cook I usually have to follow a recipe, I am not the type that can just whip something up. I don't know where Ryan got it from but he can just go into a kitchen and make something up.
I don't sit down and eat when I have to cook. I don't like to eat my own cooking. I usually eat cereal or PB&J. When Ryan has cooked I sit down and eat. It is actually really nice. Ryan's girlfriend Jessica has joined us. We have even played cards.

We are going to buy Ryan a car and set him up on a payment program. He is responsible for making the payment, paying the insurance, gas and maintance. If he doesn't make the payments or can't pay for gas the car sits. Hopefully he will be on his own soon.

I have been following Debby's blog and am very sad that she is in such a rough place. I hope and pray that B will get clean and Debby can be free from worry all the time. I am to a place in my life that I am not feeling frantic and worried 24/7. All the advise, thoughts wishes and prayers have helped me do this. Me finding myself and learning to pray and learn about enabling was a great help too.

I am thinking and praying for all the Mom's, Dad's, wife's, husband's, sister's, brother's, friends and family's of addicts. Its a hard place.
I am praying that Ryan's and my journey to his being sober will be smooth.

I just hope I don't have my head in the sand.