Friday, October 23, 2009
I feel ashamed. Tonight I gave Ryan money to go to the movie with his girlfriend. The thing is I really didn't think it thru when he asked. He said "I still have a paycheck coming from (the place he was working before he went to rehab) I will give you the whole thing, I would like to take Jessica to a movie".
I didn't think it thru; I justified it to myself by saying that he’s been doing so good since he got home. He hasn't asked me for anything. This isn't supposed to be fun. He needs to learn how to take care of himself. I will probably not even see that paycheck he has coming.
I feel really bad, but I would feel really bad if I didn't give it to him. I look at him and feel so guilty, so sorry. I don't know. In my head I know not to give him money, but the first time he asks I just hand it over. I know it was wrong I feel absolutely horrible now. How many times have I been told myself do not give him money. I have been told, read, heard not to give him money. It seems I can't let him grow up, feel the responsibility of taking care of himself.
When I first started this blog, I had thought that Debby and my stories were alike. In a lot of ways they are. Ryan is a lot like "B". He doesn't understand responsibility, taking care of himself, how to manage money, getting a job. All he would ever think about was, playing golf, partying, hanging out with his friends.
Ryan is very sweet. He would probably laugh if he heard me call him sweet. He has never ever talked to me in a mad voice. He has a very even temper. I know sometimes he is frustrated but he has never said a swear word to me or raised his voice. He is a very good liar though. He does not communicate very well; he very rarely lets me know how he is feeling or what he is thinking. What he does do that drives me absolutely crazy is when I find out he does something and tell him about it he says OK in this voice that makes me feel like I don't have a clue what I am talking about. That I am accusing him of something that he would never ever do. He says it Ooohkaaay.
I am on May 16th, 2008 of reading Debby's blog. She is so much stronger than I am when it comes to enabling. I wish I had her strength. She can tell "B" no, when he asks for money. She has faith where I don't know where my faith is.
I felt so positive this morning. I had a plan to get better.
I am going to pray tonight. Pray for Ryan to find his way, pray for him to beat the diseases he has. Pray for me to have the strength to tell him no, pray for me to have faith, to feel better about myself. Pray for every mother that has an addict child.